Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
this could fix me
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon