Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
fly smarter, not harder
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
The internet is magic sometimes.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”