Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.