You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.