I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
WHY would you be happy about this?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.