Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My favorite farside!!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Y’all know who you are.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
For the ones in the back.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs