God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
No, I don’t think I will.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier