Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
How to wake up a Beagle
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
That’s enough internet for the day
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate