I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
When you don’t understand how floors work
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner