Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.