5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.