My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Morning.