*praying for world peace*
God:
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 馃槧
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
got so much cardio in today