After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.