[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly