They did not think through this water fountain
You Might Also Like
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Yep.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk