If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh