Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.