Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?