A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.