i meant to share this earlier
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?