Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.