I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
There are usually two types of merchants.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
They’re the worst 😩
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am