She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”