We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
awkward
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Livid.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Does it…does it take 3 days
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it