I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I don’t get marriage
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
i love modern commerce
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
he was correct
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt