[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’d love this…lol
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain