How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”