It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.