I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
how to market bottled water to dads
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…