I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red