I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”