Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
(Jupiter –
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.