[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.