The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Friday night party time 🥳
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
this post was so formative to me
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I found your tweet-up…