My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
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A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit