If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit