imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
(True)
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets