“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon