Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*