I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
You Might Also Like
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..