Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Born to be mild.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me