[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Beauty and the Beast
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
There is no “ea” in Tim.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really