I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Sharon I have some bad news
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance