I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”