Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Morning my dudes.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining