To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You Might Also Like
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.