“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”