Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
goldfish mafia
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*