Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
it must be school picture day
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Fight
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow